I recently read an article written by a woman expressing what she wishes her husband would do to her and give her. In the article was a list of all the writer’s “wishes”, and the list was not really long. It contained what every woman dreams about, wishes for, and prays hard to receive from their husbands.
I saw where the writer was coming from and I can understand how she felt. At some point I felt the same way too. I was sad and hurting because I felt then that I deserved more. I told myself that if I was truly loved, giving me what I want should be my husband’s top priority.
The message of the article was really very simple and it echoed what every woman wants from her husband. She wants to feel that she is truly loved by the man she has chosen to spend her life with. She wants to feel that she is special and that she is appreciated and cared for. She wants to be taken good care of, pampered, made to feel special, complimented, and made to feel number 1, top of the list, most important, very special. Again there’s nothing wrong with wanting all these from the person who took a vow to love you.
But then I just could not help but think … What if the husband is someone who is not demonstrative of his love? What if the husband is not expressive or has his own way of expressing or showing his love to his wife? What if the husband is just too preoccupied with work so he can provide for the family? Or what if he just does not have any clue that continuous courtship is necessary in marriage?
Many years ago I came across this statement from one of the books I was reading. It said: “What you want, give.” I had an “AHA” moment and I experimented on it. It worked wonders for me!
I now wonder … would you be willing to give it a try too? Try doing this as an experiment for a week. Just for a week! What you want, give.
For example, if he does not say “Thank you” to you for the little things you do for him, every time he does something for you, however insignificant it may be, express gratitude for it sincerely.
Next. If he does not compliment you at all, like when you’re wearing your favorite dress, give him a compliment! Notice how good looking he is when he’s fresh from the shower or when he finishes dressing up for work. Give him a sincere compliment! See him the way you saw him early on in your marriage. Tell him how nice he smells or how his shirt compliments his hair. Find anything that you can sincerely compliment about him. Try …
Why? Let me you why …
People have needs and these needs have to be met or satisfied otherwise they will be unhappy and miserable, and wanting. There are physiological needs – the basic need for shelter, clothing, and food. But then there are other needs as well which are also important and which needs to be satisfied such as the need to feel appreciated and wanted. Now here’s the dangerous part – if that need is not met or satisfied by the spouse for whatever reason, a person might be tempted to look for it outside and from someone else, not necessarily intentionally.
Think about this for a moment … Can you remember when someone (other than your spouse) gave you a compliment about how nice your hair looked or how smart you are or how talented you are? How did you feel? It always feels good to be appreciated and recognized. Now here’s one truth: according to recent studies this is the main reason for extra-marital affairs in the workplace.
So what can be done? Fill the need. Don’t let your husband look for it somewhere else. It would be nice to hear a husband say, after being complimented by another woman, “I know. My wife told me this morning!”
If he does not bring home anything to you, like a pasalubong or something, bring him something when you come home. Think about what his favorite food is. Or maybe buy him something that will surprise him. It doesn’t have to be something expensive; just something that will tell him you thought of him. For example, tell him that when you went to the grocery or the mall and you saw this thing and you remembered how much he likes it so you bought it for him…
If he no longer kisses you when he leaves for work or when he comes home from work, don’t jump into conclusions that maybe he’s kissing someone else! Try this! Kiss him before he leaves and when he comes home! And don’t mention it to him. Don’t say: “since you no longer kiss me then I’ll be the one to kiss you!” No, don’t do that! Ever! Instead tell him how much you miss giving him butterfly kisses or how you love the scent of his aftershave. Think about what you did in the early years of your married life that made you feel giggly all over, bring that back! Don’t wait for him to do it! Do it yourself!
And there are a million other things that you can do! Think about the things you loved to do together and subtly re-introduce them to your relationship. Work on it by working on yourself.
In marriage, sometimes we feel that we’re not getting what we deserve. I hope we will not resort to blaming our spouses for our misery because we feel that we deserve more. Why? Because doing so is just not right and it will not help improve the marriage relationship at all. What it will do is worsen marital problems which can result to more dire consequences later on.
So again … what you want, give.
I know as you try your best to work on changing yourself and becoming proactive, you will find joy and happiness. You see, true love is not about getting or receiving. True love is about giving of yourself and in finding joy while doing it, without conditions and without expectations. Just let the consequence of your doing good follow. As an old adage goes … “what you sow, you shall reap!”
Image courtesy of Witthaya Phonsawat at FreeDigitalPhotos.net